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What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Why is there only one monopolies commission?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
My brother was up in court last week. The judge said, 'What is this man charged with?' The policeman said, 'He opened a shop sir.'
The judge said, 'And what is wrong with opening a shop?'
The policeman said, 'Well it wasn't his shop sir.'
Two seagulls were flying over the beach at a seaside resort one boiling hot August Bank Holiday afternoon. Every way they looked, there were so many people there wasn't a speck of sand to be seen.
'Ah,' said one to the other contemptuously, 'takes all the skill out of it, doesn't it?'
King Henry VIII called in the executioner.
He said, 'What do you charge to do an execution?'
The executioner said, 'A pound sir.'
The King said, 'And what if I wanted to have all my six wives done at the same time?'
The executioner said, 'Well in that case it'd be 60p a head.'
A British colonel was walking down the street in London when he saw a guy with no arms and no legs sitting in the gutter playing a mouth organ. A sign beside the guy read, Victim of Falklands War."
"Bloody disgraceful, what," said the colonel, "the way the country treats its veterans!" So saying, he pulled out his wallet, peels off two fifty pound notes and dropped them in the guy's hat. The guy looked up and says, "Mucho gracias, senor."
A woman gets on bus and immediately becomes involved in an argument with driver after he calls her baby ugly, she pays her fare and storms off to get a seat when a man asks "What's the matter, love?" "It's that bloody driver, I've never been so insulted in all my life" she replies.
"Ok" says the man "You go down there and sort him out and I'll look after the monkey!".
"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."
Traffic policeman: 'Didn't you hear me shout to you to pull over?'
Motorist: 'I'm awfully sorry. I thought you said "Good morning, Chief Constable." '
Traffic policeman: 'That's all right, sir. I just wanted to warn you that the traffic's pretty bad up ahead.'
Why do they lock petrol station toilets?
Are they afraid someone will clean them?
There was a man who painted rabbits all over his bald head.
Claimed they looked like hares from a distance.
What do you get when you toss a hand grenade into a kitchen in France????
Linoleum blown-apart.
Why do elephants have big ears?
Because Noddy won't pay the ransom.
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