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A HUSBAND: The man who knows he is in charge, and has his wife's permission to say so.
A FATHER: The man who has complete command, most of the time, of the dog.
When a man was reading the newspaper, his wife asked, "Will you still love me when I'm old and gray?" "Sure I do," he mumbled.
A man had a wife who was a terrible cook - she just served frozen food day after day. Eventually the husband went to his doctor and explained his problem. 'And what's the trouble?' asked the doctor. 'Ulcers?' 'No, frostbite.'
'Are you married?'
'No, I've always been round-shouldered.'
Marriage is based on the theory that when a man discovers a particular brand of beer exactly to his taste, he should at once throw up his job and go to work in the brewery.
Printed in a newspaper - Hugh and Ruth went to grammar school together and their marriage will stop a romance begun between them there.
A man came back from a party very drunk and just as he was creeping in by the front door he heard his wife moving upstairs. 'Oh - oh,' he thought, 'she mustn't think I've been drinking. I know, I'll pretend I've been reading all evening.' So he put the plan into action, went into the sitting-room and sat down. After a few minutes the door opened and his wife peered in. 'What do you think you're doing?' she asked. 'Reading, dear, just reading.' 'Shut up, you drunken idiot,' said the wife. 'Now close that suitcase and come to bed.'
This farmer said to his wife, 'We've been married fifty years. Why don't we kill the chicken tonight?'.
His wife said, 'Why kill the chicken? It's not his fault?'
Printed in a newspaper - The marriage of Miss Anna Bloch and Mr William Dashwood, which was announced in this paper a few weeks ago, was a mistake and we wish to correct it.
'Tell me, young man,' said the father to his prospective son-in-law, 'if my daughter marries you, and I give her a substantial dowry, what have you to offer her in return?' 'I'll give you a receipt.'
A drunken man at a party went up to a strange woman and embraced her clumsily. She slapped his face. 'I'm so sorry,' he said, 'I thought you were my wife.' 'Huh,' said the woman, 'You'd be a fine husband to have. Just look at you - a drunken, clumsy, disgusting brute.' 'Good heavens,' said the drunk, 'you talk like her, too.'
MABEL: When I'm old and ugly, will you still love me?
PERCY: I do, don't I?
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